I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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