I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
