oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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