4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
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