I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
It was like getting head from an anaconda
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
