I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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