omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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