My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
is it fun? or sober?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
