Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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