i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
