My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
