after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
