just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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