haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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