Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
