I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
