he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
