Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
