So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
