I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
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You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
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I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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