***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
