I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
