PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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