Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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