she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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