...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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