i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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