every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
