Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize