you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
