bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
