You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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