Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
