so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
