I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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