I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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