Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
My ass is underappreciated
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
