So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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