Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
