ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
