I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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