You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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