Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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