Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I smell stomach acid.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
There's always time for handjobs
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
