another moral hangover. fuck.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
