I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
