Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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