im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
