I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
honey bunches of taint.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
