So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
