FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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