update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
