when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
