just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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