I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
