You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
