I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
