A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Rumble strips road head = magical
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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