If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
