I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
