when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
